Can Black Women have Black Only Spaces?
As we all know social media has become a platform to curate spaces for just about anything. You can have a page or group dedicated to moms of furry babies, moms that breastfeed, Black moms that breastfeed, etc. I have seen groups for people living with fibromyalgia and those who want to learn about essentials oils and living with fibromyalgia. In those spaces, people generally respect the rules of engagement. Usually within these spaces, especially for groups, the person(s) that created the space has a list of questions that you must answer in order to join the group. Most groups labeled “Black” come with a clear question of Are you Black/African American/African descent. I mean it’s not hard to understand, you know if you are or aren’t. We know we have those that don’t quite understand that being Black isn’t about adopting our culture… Rachel Dolezal is one, but hopefully people get the point.
I have never understood why white women join spaces curated for Black women and then are appalled when it is stated this is a SAFE space that was curated for Black women. So appalled that they don’t exit with quietness, but they make a Public Service Announcement (PSA) to the Black women rightly in their space. In this announcement, their white women tears, ineptness for respecting boundaries and full privilege is put on display. From the justification for infiltrating a space that wasn’t designed for them with their own logic and reasoning, to then mourning over the disbelief that Black women would dare tell them they weren’t a welcomed guest, and then the finale of gaslighting the members with their infamous words… “if white people did this, we’d be call racist”.
I have come to expect this of any Black space I join. You never know who’s really behind a picture and keyboard on social media, so I don’t share personal information, and if a suggestion doesn’t resonate with my spirit, I leave that advise there. I just shared with a wife in a Facebook group, marriage isn’t one size fit all. I feel that way about parenting as well, there is no one way to do something, and that’s just that. Especially when it comes to parenting my two Black sons. What I don’t expect and am always astonished by, is the resounding number of Black women that come to the defense of said intruder. It’s mind boggling that in a space that says Black, even Black women think we don’t have the right to that. They want to be inclusive in that space and say, well they are here to learn. Okay, well find a space that doesn’t have Black in the title to explicitly state it’s for Black women and get your learn on sis. I’m in several non-ethnic specific groups for growth as well, which has moms from every shade, economic and social status. That’s the space for you to learn from other Black women that are willing to share and teach you.
What bothers me most about Black women defending such ignorance is that we are telling ourselves we don’t deserve private spaces. Any and everything of ours is up for intrusion and we have to accept that. It’s actually triggering for me. As I think back to how our Black ancestors didn’t own their own bodies, their kids, their thoughts, their intelligence, their trades, their fears, or their dreams; today a Black women would feel impelled to tell a group of Black women you can’t own your own space, because a non-Black woman feels some type of way and damnit… I as a Black woman will not tolerate that. At the expense of your sanity, I will give this colonizer refuge in your space. Does that make it any sense? … especially for those that were ready to rip me a new one before reading this last paragraph and offer the infamous rebuttal “We can share with our allies”. Every space ain’t meant for allies; find the spaces that are and join them and stop DEBO-ing your way into those that were not created with you in mind.
Okay now that I have you all on one accord. Gather on the couch and let’s chat. You got your glass, bottle, snacks, comfy clothes and favorite seat? So why can’t Black women have their own spaces? Is it the belief that we don’t need them? Look at Red Table Talk hosted by Jada Pinkett Smith, her mother and her daughter. These Black women had a white girl, whose family was privileged enough to BUY her way into college, contact them for a SEAT at that table. With all that’s going in with the Black community, she sought refuge with three Black women to do her redemption walk. WHY? Why are we the saviors of all? We are seen as the backbone, the foundation, the core of our own community and family and here we are beckoned to be that for all women as well. Are we not entitled to a space where we can get our support? We need our cup refilled sometimes, especially when folks continually ask us to pour from it for their needs. Let’s face it, Black women are on the forefront of all political, social economic, racial, unethical, etc. movement. We speak up on issues on all things, not just those that impact our family and community, but… and oh hell yeah there is a but. Those that continually ask for us to be a beacon for them are nowhere to be found during our struggles. Black women are the most unprotected person(s) PERIODT. If you don’t believe me, I invite you to comment and tell me why not. But I’m not about to go down that rabbit hole because it’ll take a more in-depth conversation and I need to focus. This post is about Black women deserving their own private spaces without being lectured, demonized and gaslighted for demanding it.
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