Covenant vs. Contract
Webster defines marriage as the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship...
Fifteen years ago today as I prepared to walk down the aisle to my "lifetime", here's an honest reflection of that day’s thoughts... I was mentally exhausted, underweight from the stress of planning and executing my wedding vision, and prayerful that this decision (marriage) had been confirmed by God and not by me, as many past failed relationships had been.
But today (But God!), fifteen years wiser and looking back, I realize I had no idea when I made those vows what work, devotion, prayer, consistent marital counseling, family/friend support, etc. it would take and continues to take to stay married.
I can be transparent with you all right? The week after returning home from our honeymoon, (two weeks after speaking vows to one another before family and friends), Demea and I were back in marital counseling. The first thing the late Rev. Estelle did was congratulate us on not allowing pride/ego to interfere with seeking out his assistance. I never knew how many people just suffer through as if that’s a natural progression in marriage. Today I saw this post of a relationship fun fact.
I never thought much of that praise until I realized how many married couples are too prideful or shame to reach out and say they need help. I'm not gonna preach tonight (unless ya’ll want me to), but not long after those follow-up sessions with the late Rev. Estelle, we were connected to a marriage group from our church that poured into us. I don’t know what made them think of us, but God had his hand all in it.
As a young Black couple, you don't know how empowering it is to have a safe space to speak your truth and it be received with love and compassion. More importantly than that, to have others praying for you, speaking life into you and giving you feedback with a hearty dose of God and the confirmation “you not the first and won't be the last that struggle with these areas in your marriage”. We can sometimes put on blinders and feel like we are on a unique marriage journey and nobody (I mean NOBODT) else will understand the fears, troubles and hurdles we're encountering. But the DEVIL is a LIE! You'd be amazed at how common your marital issues are. You just need to find the right people to share with. And notice I said RIGHT group of people.
If you’ve been following me for any length of time on social media, you have probably noticed that I share these three statements repeatedly in regards to marriage:
You can never share your troubles with your spouse with your FAMILY, because they never forget, even when you have forgiven.
FRIENDS, especially those not invested in their own marriage, are NOT the right group to share your troubles with. And if they single, how they going to tell you anything about marriage? I know I’m probably getting some disagreements, but we’ll revisit my sentiments on this statement another day.
Find COUPLES with a wide range of marital history; our group ranged from 1 year, 3 years, 5 years and upward of 20+ years.
So back to making my point. It was during the joining of the marriage group, Demea and I decided we wanted a covenant versus contract marriage. I bet many are wondering what's the difference? Well here goes...
With a contract, if one agreeing party does something in violation of the contract then it is considered broken. The whole contract becomes null and void. Basically the signers of a contract agree to hold up their ends as long as the other signatories hold up theirs too.
With a covenant, both parties agree to hold up their ends regardless of whether the other party keeps their part of the agreement. A violation of a covenant by one party doesn’t matter as far as the other party’s responsibility to continue to do what they agreed to do. Whew! Give me a praise break right there.
A covenant marriage is HARD work! And if anyone says, marriage shouldn’t be work, then I don’t know what kind of marriage they seeking. And this coming from a young woman that thought after the I dos, it was going to be rainbows and lollipops because we LOVED each other. Now I have the wisdom to share with others, if you enter into a marriage thinking everyday will be rainbows and lollipops, you will be divorced or separated soon after. It will have highs and lows, earthquakes and tsunamis, and the testament will be are you BOTH willing to dig in and do the work to make the marriage work. Fifteen years have passed and WE are still married. And I tell you, it’s nothing but God’s GRACE and FAVOR! And you will learn to extend the same grace and favor God extends to you, the the person you’re working to love and cherish for the rest of your life.
I am thankful God provided me a husband that is willing to continue doing the work every day. You don’t reach a certain year and get to stop. And it's also a blessing for Demea, because I continue to do the necessary work too. We can’t be lopsided in this covenant; both of us have to commit to doing this daily work.
I’m thankful for our lessons learned (there are plenty), memories (still making them), and all that is to be created and logged in our future years together. Just know that in these fifteen years; we've acquired quite a few jewels/nuggets of wisdom to share with our children. We work daily to equip them with the knowledge of the necessary tools they’ll need in their future relationships and one day marriage.
Today I can truly say, fifteen years ago I wasn't sure Demea was confirmed by God, but TUHDAY I will attest he was definitely created for ME! I don't know who else would deal with all my MESS and still love me. So to my husband, Demea Jamison (@theHBCUdad), Happy 15 Year Anniversary. It was supposed to be the year of my mommy make-over or rather “new body who dis?”, but what we're building as a family is far more valuable than the body and ring I'll get for year twenty. See I didn’t dismiss it people… It’ll be DELAYED, not DENIED!
I really want to know your thoughts out there on covenant versus contract marriage. Have you even thought about it? And if not, which do you have and which do you want for your future? Also, what are some jewels you’ve learned along the years you’d like to share with someone who’s reading this that might be struggling in their relationship/marriage. Jump in the comments below and SPEAK to me.
