Let’s Normalize Moms not Momming on Mother’s Day
I often struggled with mom guilt. You know, that feeling of guilt when you go and do something for yourself and that little voice invades your thoughts with “you don’t need this”, “what have you done to deserve this”, “your exhaustion is coupled with motherhood”, “you don’t get rewarded for being a parent, it’s life”, “you really doing the most” … I mean, I have been near mental exhaustion and allow that guilt to STOP me in my tracks from taking the time to pour back into myself. Notice, I said struggled, as in past tense.
My husband texted me while on business travel last week to ask, “what exactly did I want to do for Mother’s Day?” I honestly wanted to respond, have some ME time by my got darn self but I hesitated. I hesitated, because for some reason, I have bought into the unspoken myth that moms must spend time with their kids on Mother’s Day. That isn’t a rule for Mother’s Day, but for some reason, I felt like it was the expectation. Maybe because growing up, Mother’s Day was a day we catered to our moms and the other women in our village. And we just assumed, our mother and the other women in our village, wanted us to spend the day with them. I bet today; my mom would take a vacation over having us all in her home asking for ish. Okay, circling back to my original thought. So, after giving him an extended answer of me wanting to just do what I wanted to do, three days later, I finally texted him the truth. The text simply read “I want to be ALONE”.
See, I had originally made him feel bad for considering going to his goddaughter’s college graduation from Xavier University of Louisiana. I did that because when he mentioned it, I thought, how dare he forget it’s my day. And here I am, three days later, like you going to the graduation with the boys. I finally texted him what my heart wanted to say when he first asked, I want the house to myself. I want the freedom to sleep in and nobody bother me but me, I want to eat when I want, take a long bath, have some “ME” time and watch the shows I want uninterrupted. I didn’t want to smile for a picture, sit in a restaurant to have a meal that wasn’t going to align with my new health-conscious journey, or tune out my two sons when they just felt the need to call my name. I said what some mothers are probably afraid to say, for fear of being labeled “A Bad Mom”.
Well America, label me, cause in the words of my Village Moms, “FDK”. If you know you know. And that’s a pun, I hope no one leaves this blog post and really think I mean that from the heart. But I am going to “SAY IT WITH MY CHEST; FDK!” I want some peace, some time to my own thoughts, and to cater and pour back into me, by myself.
Why do I need that? Before someone even ask, let me make it plain. Cause that’s what I want. There is no additional reason necessary. For Mother’s Day, I want time and space to myself. PERIODT! It shouldn’t need an explanation, but for this blog post, I will give you my top three reasons for requesting alone time.
#1 PARENTING ALONE My husband often takes weeklong business travel trips which leaves me to do all the “parenting” alone. When I say all of that alone, I mean juggling a four-day, ten hour demanding job, football practice twice a week, assistance with homework, drop off and pick up from school, dinner plans, bath, housework, filling diffusers daily, extracurricular, Teacher Appreciation gifts, sick kids, communication with school about STAAR testing, and that’s just for the boys.
#2 MY LIFEWORK This year my husband and I both set out to finally put into action our life work. We knew that this would take some crafty dedication, so we have come up with commitment goals to keep ourselves on track. I try to keep my commitment and dedicate six hours every other week to focus on my life work. With his travel, I have to depend upon sitters, godparents and the Village to assist. Some days, my village has competing priorities and I can respect that. We all got ish to do. So even the most well planned out plans FAIL. Especially when everyone is on their grind to create a legacy for the future generations they are planning for.
#3 I DESERVE IT I am a mother 365 days a year. Unlike my job, I don’t get to take PTO. This is a job title that I will never be able to relinquish. Some days my sons can be Stewie from Family Guy; they just like hearing themselves say the word MOM in all different variations. Mothers deserve to request space and not be demonized for it. We should be able to say, I need a moment and our village support that. Thankfully, my husband understood my request. He didn’t take offense, he simply said, “Say Less”. I am learning that saying “I need space” is a complete sentence, just as No is. It needs no additional clarifiers or supporting information.
So, my wish for all mothers today is for you to be honest in communication with your loved ones about what you need on a day designed for them to cater to you. If you need SPACE, request it. And all you children, spouses, loved ones out there… learn to EMBRACE and RESPECT that. I say embrace it, because we’ve been conditioned (myself included) to believe that on these special days, we must spend it with our mom. NOPE! My grandmother, mom, and two aunts called me as I was writing this post and gave me their plans for Mother’s Day. The only thing they needed from us, was to CASHAPP them the funds for the meals they would be enjoying with their three-day weekend. They literally had it planned out; they dined the entire weekend and called one of their children after each restaurant and gave us the total.
And you know what, I RESPECTED that. And I loved that they weren’t doing what was expected; they didn’t give a stam about what others may have thought about their plans for the weekend. My aunt even passed on traveling to ATL to spend a few hours with her daughter, because it didn’t benefit her. She literally said, she could catch a flight and see her in less time than the drive and travel accommodations for a pop-up trip. These women are embracing "FDK", and I bet they don’t even know what it means. “They just living their best life” as comedian and artist Lil Duval would say.
If a mother is honest enough to tell you what her desires are, knowing that there is fear of her being demonized for it, you can’t do nothing but respect it. Let's normalize moms not momming on Mother's Day. I don’t know what I will do this weekend. But I do know that I’ll do whatever I want, when I want. I can move at my own speed; I can sleep in or not. I can watch what I want, without the request of a family movie night or watch DORA and friends. I can cook to feed just ME, and not have to ask three additional people what they would like for breakfast/lunch/dinner. Cause ain’t nobody, in this house, walking this more healthier and conscious eating meal plan with me. They done told me I’m on my own for that, so let me be great and be on my own for Mother’s Day. Ya’ll enjoy your day and let me know your thoughts. Should I sign up for the Bad Moms Club, or am I just a mom being honest about the SPACE that I need?
If you on your FDK, post a pic and tag me @theHBCUmom or comment below and let me know what you did this Mother’s Day.
